If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
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*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*