If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
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[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
yeah not falling for this one
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.