If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
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me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
“HELP WITH CAT”
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.