Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
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I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
You sure about that?
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.