If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
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instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.