If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
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If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.