If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
You Might Also Like
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
life finds a way
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.