You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
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Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Where’s my employee discount too?
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end