1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
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Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.