Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
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my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”