WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
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My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
the world’s most popular steaming services
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic