If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
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My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.