If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
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Sombrero is better than nobrero.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
look at me when i’m typing to you
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.