If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
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I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
*bites zombie*
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
starting a garage orchestra
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.