@Brianhopecomedy: If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
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@carlyken: "I'd like one personal pizza please" Pizza: Your life's a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother. "Whoa maybe not that personal"
@onion_an: Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer? Detective: He's white Other detective: A muscular build Me: He kills people
@VodkaThursday: U just HAD to be polite & hold the elevator for me. I could have had a nice, quiet ride alone. Instead, I had to be polite & talk about fall
@shutupmikeginn: Like my therapist always says, "I'm not your therapist, you're just laying on a couch in Ikea"