If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
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Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended