If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
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Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.