If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
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I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.