@TheWoodenslurpy: If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
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@Manda_like_wine: When Wall-E first came out I was like "'what a profound statement" and now, a few years older, I'm like "gimme one of those sick chairs."
@Mr_Kapowski: [calls wife from store] "Are you in more of a frolicking or jumping in the air mood? There's so many tampon choices"
@NotthatAdamWest: The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I'll play mine.