@TheWoodenslurpy: If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
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@daemonic3: HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted HER: Oh thanks! What's in it? HIM: What do you mean, "in it"?
@jergarl: 87% of my day is spent remembering my kids names and my anniversary and stuff and the other 57% is trying to do math.
@Donna_McCoy: Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
@jakefromstfarm3: When I was a kid I made all of my toys watch Toy Story so that they knew I was on to them.