“and how does that make you feel?”
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Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home