If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
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I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
i’m sure it’s fine
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business