Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
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Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.