When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
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Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine