Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
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*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.