if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
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when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
pat pat
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Can’t stop laughing
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]