@heidi420x: if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people's phones.
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@UncleDuke1969: Brain: You've got ONE shot at this. Me: Ready. Brain: Go talk to her. "YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?" Brain: Magical!
@ashmensch: If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
@WhatTheFFacts: On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
@trumpetcake: I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal "Rewards Dagger" that gets me a discount everywhere.