if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
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Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.