Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
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I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack