Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
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My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
damn he’s good
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site