Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
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Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no