My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
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Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Made something I’m not proud of
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…