If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
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Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Breaking news:
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.