If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
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“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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