“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
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I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.