@toiletrapist: If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I'd probably pick living.
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@3sunzzz: Fun Fact: If you answer your phone, "Christ speaking", 70% of the callers will hang up on you. You're welcome.
@sad_tree: Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he's probably on that thing like "MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING"
@TheTweetOfGod: "And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this." Revelation 4:12.
@RobertManchild: [company meeting] Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes. Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]