God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
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I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I’ve had worse
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
All. The. Damn. Time.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.