Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
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<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
My kitchen overserved me.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted