Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
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I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
This story is comedy gold 😂
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.