If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
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Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.