If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
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“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own