If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
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Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
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5- sweat