If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
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[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Damn he played himself
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.