If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
You Might Also Like
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.