[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
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Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.