If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
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My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
When the stylist spins you back around
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…