If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
The prophecy is fulfilled
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.