If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
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5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.