@VerbsRProudest: If I could time travel, I'd grab English major me in college & say, "Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class."
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@TheRealAnchovy: Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin, it tastes the same but you know it ain't quite right.
@iwearaonesie: me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first! son *screaming*
@1CleverClogs: I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you'd better do what I meant and not what I said.
@POTerritory: Him: So what do you do? Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.