If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
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I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Today’s Times
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”