If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
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if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Anime is real
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
a
a
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Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
thank god the sign was there
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what