Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
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Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I’m not proud
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Okey dokey.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would