If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
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[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
life finds a way
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe